Malfoy Malfunctions
by MauMauKa
Summary: In Which We Learn that Wizards have no Psychological Resistance to Muggle Television.


The entire class jumped when a loud explosion rocked the room. A tall figure burst from one of the firepits, knocking over a mercifully empty cauldron. "Severus!" the figure panted. "You have to come, _now_. I can't stop him!"

"Class dismissed" Snape barked. He turned to tall, black-haired Slytherin girl. "Give out the homework and see to it that everyone gets out, Miss Bullen."

"Yes, Professor." The girl stared along with the rest of the class as Snape followed the tall, unkempt young man back into the fire with a flash and a roar of green.

They tumbled out of a sitting room fireplace in Malfoy Manor a few minutes later. "He's in here" gasped Draco as he bolted out of the room and down a corridor. Snape followed, already hearing music and voices in the distance.

They found Lucius Malfoy in a large room full of muggle artifacts. That, in itself was astounding enough, but what most people (including Snape, the first time he had seen it), would find mind-blowing was how the elder Malfoy looked.

Lucius was wearing a pale blue tea-length chiffon dress, sheer stockings, and matching pumps. (Snape did _not_ want to speculate on how he had managed to procure size-13 baby blue slingbacks.) He also wore a broad-brimmed straw garden hat and white gloves. His pale hair had been flipped up at the ends and his lips were red with lipstick. His attention was fixed on a large muggle television that dominated one wall. He smiled beatifically as the blonde actress on the screen warbled, "I have invented a whole series of exercises based on simple household tasks. I call my program…Caireobics!"

"Because her name is _Claire_" one of the other actresses on the screen said, sounding like she'd been Imperio--ed _and_ deprived of all intelligence.. Lucius giggled. Draco groaned. "See?"

"Let's all be WASHING MACHINES!" cried the blonde actress. Music came on. "Chooga-chooga-chooga-chooga, Chooga-chooga-chooga-chooga" cried the actress, shaking her hips in time to the music. Lucius followed along, his skirts fluttering. "Come _on_, Draco dear…" he breathed in a high, silly voice. "It's _fun! _Chooga-chooga-chooga-chooga, _Chooga-chooga-chooga-chooga—_"

Snape stepped forward and caught Lucius by the shoulders. "Ooh…what a dark, mysterious man!" The elder Malfoy squealed. Snape slapped him across the face.

"Spin cycle, ladies!" cried the actress on the television. "And WHOO…and WHOO!" she spun in circles, the other actresses following her. "Turn that bloody thing _OFF_!" Snape hissed to Draco as he struggled with Lucius, who was rubbing his cheek and looking confused.

"I can't find the remote!" whinged Draco. Cursing furiously under his breath, Snape turned the TV off with a carefully cast charm.

As soon as silence pervaded the room, Snape shook Lucius hard. "Lucius? Wake up, Lucius…you're in Malfoy Manor. You are NOT in Stepford. Can you hear me?"

"Uhhh…wha?" muttered Lucius, His hat had fallen off and his hair was hanging in his face. Snape pulled him to a nearby couch and pushed him down on it. Draco picked up the hat and tried it on his own head. "_Don't…you…dare!"_ growled Snape. Draco dropped the hat and came over. "Is he all right now?"

"Get your father a glass of water." Draco ran out of the room.

Snape took Lucius's face in his hands and peered into his eyes. They had lost their vague look of ecstatic bliss. "Severus?"

"Yes."

"Wh-what are you doing here?"

"Can you hear me? Do you know where you are?" Snape spoke very clearly and distinctly.

"Yes…I…oh God." Comprehension dawned on the blonde man's face. "I was doing _it _again, wasn't I?"

"You were."

"Merlin's balls" Lucius rubbed his forehead and realized he was wearing gloves. He looked down at himself. "Worse than usual, I take it?"

"Much worse."

The elder Malfoy groaned. "Where's Draco?"

"Getting you a glass of water."

"Is he…affected?"

"Yes. But not by the television. The young have more resistance." Snape shook his head. "I'd like to curse whoever brought one in her into oblivion!"

"Harry."

"Oh, that's right. I _already _want to curse _him_ into oblivion." Lucius snorted a laugh, then looked at Snape. "Thank you", he said seriously.

"Anytime."

"Is he okay now?" Draco re-appeared with the water, which he handed to Lucius. Snape nodded. Lucius took a long drink and suddenly beamed brightly up at his son. "Save money…live better! Let's go to Wal-mart!"

Draco and Snape looked at each other. It seemed they still had a long way to go.

~Fin~


End file.
